patience

Just have a little patience

I'm still hurting from a love

I lost,

I'm feeling your frustration.

Any minute all the pain will stop.

The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong.

Believe me,

I'm trying to move on,

It's complicated but understand me.

Cause I need time.

Yeah Cause these scars run so deep,

It's been hard,

But I have to believe in me.

these are lyrics are only part of a song ( i excluded some lines which doesnt mean anything right now ) which is patience by take that ... these lines make all the sense to me right now . i mean well i am trying to be strong on the outside but in real fact i am breaking apart from what my feelings towards him are. i mean i am trying so hard to get over the fact that he is never going to realize how much he means to me and that well i dont think i am good enough for him either cause well ... he can get prettier girls than me . ... like one of my friends said the other day ..... i am just an ordinary girl ... there is nothing which is attractive about me ... the love i have for him is considered lost cause well he is too naive to realise and i am and have been keeping it to myself... apart from a few of those who knows my situation ... the closest ones to me...you know who you are..sigh ... if only you knew and reciprocrate the same feelings ... i feel more cracks forming in my heart just because of my longing for you ...

i need to pull myself together and not think so much about it ... thinking about it is the one that brings all the different kinds of scenario to my head and its unhealthy for me . from now on i should be more giving and less self scented .. i should do things for people without thinking of benefitting for myself.

the message in church spoke today as pastor said that we are all ugly ducklings on the outside but we have Christ's DNA in us and we should let that shine instead of our worldy beings . i so really need to be independent i mean depending on the fact that i need a guy in my life is just so wrong i mean i have admitted before that this is my weakness and that it really brings me down . i need to learn to depend on Christ more rather on worldly things especially a guy to give me security . this is a fear and i need to overcome it . if i dont its just going to cause me to go more downhill which isnt good from where i am standing now. i think to some point i have backslided in my faith in comparison to last year. i admit to my sin .

thats all i have to say for now til next entry.