FREEDOM !

its official ! i can drive ! i PASSED the first time i took the test .... i CANT believe it ! ..... Without bribery.

I am so happy that I feel that I am on top of the world .

You could say God was on my side today since i was praying really hard a lot today during th course of my exam. many people were failing on the right side of the hill so i said a little prayer to God which went something like this ... dear God let me have the left side of the hill . and by God's grace He gave it to me .Although I didnt make it on the first time up the hill ( on the hill you are allowed two tries) thankfully on the second time i made it . even the instructor standing behind the JPJ gave me a thumbs up.

then after i passed the inside school exercise , i saw people from the same driving school as me and asked how was the road. one of them told me if i got car number 18 and the instructor ... it would just be a smooth ride. and so another prayer blasted from my mouth saying Dear God please let me have him as mny examiner and let me have that car. And i receive . when i heard it was that guy and it was 18 i was practically leaping for joy . then the instructor began talking to me in the car he was so funny and humuorous . when i was suppose to pull the hand brakes up while stopping at the traffic light he said nvm i do for you ...will pass you. made my life easier even

i got a 19 / 20 for my road . am really satisfied

peace

how shall i describe today

moments just passed by as if they were blur. but at the same time there was so much emotions involved today in uni. i guess someone's PMS can truly affect your own moods. especially if it was your own lecturer. i had almost missed lunch today! talks for universities i dont mind. but Nooooo... whose stupid idea was to go into class and just write attendance having ended up to stay for an hour plus more to do more assignment and let the hunger burn inside me. i am not blaming the person in our class who told us to do that cause well uni mates should support each other . But man seriously i felt so faint .

Luckily thoughts of him did pull me through to lessen my anger and to just act calmly. spent time with a girl from course today ... pretty much reminded myself of her. the usual bubly self, hyper , flirtatious in a cute way ( although i have move pretty far from that now ) . more serious , matured far off from where i have come from. felt pretty satisfied that well i do have true friends around me in my course.

life just passes so fast ... i mean now look at all my peeps around they are all grown . it s like now i can say we are finally here where we wanted to be 6 years ago. those times when you said " i wish i was 18 " and now that i am here i feel so old ... the friends you saw that were so innocent now are like drinking, smoking ... now we cant act like kids anymore cause people will be judgemental....

sigh i guess thats life

dont know how to put this lightly

can i just be straightforward ...
i mean well in life especially now i would really love to just say it out loud... just how much i care for you with all my heart and soul.

but what prevents me :
well being an asian its not ethically right for girl to ask a guy out
my family doesnt entirely apporve of him ( both in religion and character )
we are at the point in time where relationships might dissolve at some point
I never want to lose him as a friend
My heart is really afriad to get rejected and hurt again
I want my next relationship to be the right one ( at least you could say its somewhat steady)
I think he doesn't feel the same way about me ... since he treats me like a very good friend
I want him to get a sure place in University first.
Want him to be happy ... even if it doesnt involves me
Puzzled on whether his side of the family would approve of me

i really do have something more for this guy ... there is no words to describe it . pretty sure that it isnt infactuation cause i am taking into account all his faults as well. i dont know what this is !! its just turning my every limb and organ upside down and not letting it be my usual self. the emo mode has been turned on again ... constantly but what you are doing to me . You certainly dont know whatyou are putting me through

sinking love

I shouldn't love you

but I want to

I just can't turn away

I shouldn't see you

but I can't move

I can't look away

I shouldn't love you

but I want to

I just can't turn away

I shouldn't see you

but I can't move

I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine

when I'm not'

Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me

And I can't help it

I won't sit around,

I can't let him win now

Thought you should know

I've tried my best to let go of you

But I don't want to

I just gotta say it all

Before I go

Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you

There's so much I can't say

Do you want me to hide the feelings

And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine

when I'm not'

Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me

And I'm wondering why I've waited so long

Looking back I realize

It was always there just never spoken

I'm waiting here...been waiting here

this song just spoke the words of my mouth that i wanted to express my current mood that i am feeling. i really do wanna stop loving this guy but it seems impossible . am controlling my actions especially when i am in front of him . feelings on the other hand are hard to tame. it actually is making me going out of my mind . i dont want to say apart from that i need him badly in my life. i am hopelessly lost in love . .. save me !!

a few good memories

Memories which i cherish with all my heart and soul

Me , Ally , Jessica ( the three lalas)

My darling Ally

Yuyi & Boon Aik ( bye Boon Aik .. we will miss you when you are in Japan.. dont forget my Japanese guy when you come back XD !!)

Close friends that will last forever

With my darling again

Sushi boy XD!! & My darling

Happy Memories

So cute !! Zen & Yun Hsi

Some Party Atmosphere

Candid

Non-Candid

My darling sis ... love ya always

sigh .. sushi ... why always ruin my pic. love ya anywayz

comparison of tears

raindrops are like teardrops
they fall when needed to
its like the heavens know
what i am going through

To love someone who does not love you ,
is like shaking a tree and making the dew drops fall

although these two short versus are contradictory of each other ... yet the both make sense to me. one signifies the huge downfall of rain to emphasize it further. but the small tears that fall off a tree after a rainfall cannot be compared to the amount of rain that fell before.
i mean can it happen ... having burried my feelings long ago for this guy , chucked it to the back of my mind and left it there undisturbed to be more exact . he doesnt know that he is reviving it and causing me even more pain.... the circumstances now are just not the right timing. recent breakups ... moving to another country for further studies. moving on from where we are is so awkward i dont know where to start from on how awkward it is. no matter how hard it is for me to forget about how i felt about you ... it still remains.. it never goes away. its a constant pleasant headache. yet my heart aches . its like it was being pierced and will never be healed completely anymore. why did you come into my life to make me this way ? i wish i could just forget you completely. wish you out of my life. let me move on to new things and new people but i cant seem to because of you . you have always been there for me for my hardships and joy . we share a lot of great moments together yet you do not know what i feel . theres no one to tell since there is a lot of difference between us . family background & beliefs.

so far nothing in the department of love has gone right for me ... i dont think my heart is capable of taking another rejection. i know we arent suppose to expect it to come and always keep our hopes high waitting for that special moment. but no matter how many times i go through it my heart just wont learnt this horrible lesson . it wants to go through all these hardfeelings in the book of love.

two- faced people

my thoughts about this topic have always been on my mind and has never left it . We all are two faced at one point of our lives. think back to that one incident that you had to act sweet towards a person eventhough you hated that person to your guts. well in order to maintain sufficient peace in the surroundings you are in . at least there is that hi -bye sayings between both parties. that huge anger and rage that roars in your body but somehow you have to bury into your soul and just let these feelings dissappear. i cant say that i detest these people because me myself is guilty of this act. being genuine and vunerable plus honest just makes you a victim even more .

i think people in general now only become friends with someone only if that can benefit off the person. if you dont have anything to offer they just let you go as if you were worth nothing. they dont even search further in to get to know you better. and if you are too good in something they also have feelings of jealousy erupt out and the daggers of detest will be aimed directly at you . especially since malaysia now is becoming such a place. this society is getting to be more negative and selfish. guess you could say its just like a buisness world now in comparison to a jungle. where the predator attacks prey. a corporate jungle more likely. we all have to be on our guard all the time afraid of being attacked and torn to pieces.

you would need your "herd " to keep you together to keep you sane. people whom you can trust that will not use things against you. things that you can let out where you cant let out anywhere else. you also need one which you are closest to.. doesnt matter the gender but just someone you are really comfortable with to be able to talk about anything. to some extend yes it better if you do have a girl if you are a girl and same applies to guys. but in special circumstances if you arent comfortable with a girl then yeah doing it with the opposite sex is alright to. but since there is that narrow mindedness of this society it would probably be another factor for them to strike you down.