weekend

hey peeps i am back with another entry !

well i guess you could say i loved my weekend especially saturday ... hung out with a bestie and we enjoyed each other's company throughly and the shopping ! it was her day to just let go and be herself and let loose all her stress with me helping out with tones of fun topics to talk and catch up as well as jokes flowing. guess we saw someone too that made me and my bestie's day .... of all people it was SATE !!! haha bestie didnt expect it and neither did he ... and it was a pretty good introduction between two people.

I LOVED how we had SOOOOO much fun !!! it was so memorable ... i think i am addicted to talking to my bestie ... was thinking about that fact all day today ... my daily dose of drug.

went to 1 U to shop cause i have never been there seriously shopping with just a girlfriend before ... there is always a first a time :) so major shopping spree from 1 to 6 . I bought a bag from Radioactive and a white shirt collar shirt for law client counselling which will be my turn this friday with my partner ( got the same partner for mooting ) .... wanted to buy shoes but then i had to resist cause ma will sure scold if i bring home another pair of shoes.

there was also a fashion show on and my bestie took some pics :)

this is the guy both me and my bestie thought looked the hottest !

well the period between mum is over and glad that everything is back to normal ... it was a little drama in our household but it has passed

i guess thats all i have to write for now ..

oxox

nervewrecking

today marks the day where i have lifted a heavy burden which i have carried upon myself for the past four years ... actually six years but i did the same act the two years before the four so yeah ...

i have confessed to him and well i guess nothing has happened but oh well i wasnt expecting anyway ... just wanted to let it off my chest i managed to do that which is a good sigh of relief ...

i am moving on for good if he doesnt responds...

thats all

ciaoz

materialism

the other day .. me and a guy was chatting on msn about being materialistic .. i guess all of us has that characteristic in us. we all struggle with it to some point of our lives . I personally am a compulsive shopper .... I shop for emotions in order to de- stress I love walking around the mall and looking at the things that I dont have yet ...

but the right track thing is that we all try to overcome it . like that guy said he wants to try to be more like Christ as the bible say so. care less about worldly things and focus more on God.

like how my pastor in church said a statement today which was really significant ... " we have left the worldly things, but it has not left us "

guess i have been thinking too much about everything lately ... i should tone down and control . assignments does things to you especially LAW . Its torturous man ... but i guess thats Uni for you

thanks to someone who has been praying for me and giving me all the right advices ... appreciate it a lot ... love ya dear .

what if your ex tells you this

what i will reply to the statement s

why did you let me go ?
well cause you were a playa ... and you were too into yourself

Can I win you back ?
unlikely

But I am very much happy with you back then ...
i have already move on and you too ... so why say this

I still love you .
I dont believe you

When did we last talk ?
peobably will just answer casually when we did

Can you go out with me ?
* acting naive * in what sense ? friends ?

Hey can I give you ride ?
sure...

Were you able to move on ?
took me a long time yeah but i managed ... ( you asked me that many times )

I regret losing you .
Too bad ... then you shouldnt have broke up with me in the first place

My parents do not like you .
Yeah you told me that before ... whatever

You have changed.
in what way -_^?

naivity

hmmm flirt on ... your emotions fly high like you are on autopilot mode.... it can be a good thing ... its can be really unhealthy... emotional high never go there cause you wont be able to stop talking about it and it will just affect your life totally

can be bad too ... if you do it overboard with someone and it turns out awkward instead of a good outcome... argggh i didnt know how much i felt about that guy ... maybe i shouldnt have done it ! it was definitely the wrong timing and well i havent really gotten to know him properly yet ...it was so Impulsive of me !!! WHATS WRONG WITH ME ! i felt i need more drama in my life ! i got it .. and i got what i deserve.i am never asking a guy out ever again .... not ever ... it was really stupid of me ...i had to go and ruin a perfectly good friendship ... i am so naive !!!

thanks to those people who told me that they will always be there for me through everything ( thick and thin ), and that you hold my back ... it means a lot ... i reciprocrate the same deed ... [ you know who you are ].. i really appreciate it a lot

blur emotions

have you felt something you dont even know what exactly is causing it ? i am feeling confused yet sad , dissatified, piss ..... and plenty of other things ...

for all those people i hurt today ... i am sorry ( you know who you are ) ... i really wasn't myself today ... with circumstances of me still not recovered and being stuck in the house for 10 days ... something was just terribly wrong ... i dont want to offend anyone but i think i did ...

sitting around "friends"
seemed like an invisible ghost
floating in whatever direction they go
letting their conversations buzz through my ears like bees ....


i am still sticking to the pack i made of not having succumb to my emotions easily in the sense i wont any hot guy draw me away from my promise ... to only be with a guy i truly love ... and not cause of some peer pressure thing ...

i have been affected ... in a bad way ... being still sick ... its wearing me down i suppose ... i am not me ! i need to be me and change ....

i'm out

FINALLY !!

After a week of sweat , cough , sneeze, feeling lethargic ... finally ... i can say that i am well and on the verge of recovery . MAN ! I never ever want to go through that ever again anytime soon ... seriously depressing since i wasted half my holiday trying to recover and could have spent it with friends and company going out, doing my daily routine but instead had to be stuck at home with THE ENEMY .... cough cough .......

thanks so some decent people who kept me alive... my mum , Yuyi, [Sate, Seh yung]====> they messaged me when internet was down ... seirously did cry during this sickness out of pain as well as depression being sick , it has never hurt that much ... never been this sick before !?!

Today is also sis's birthday , got her a top from DIESEL , i think she likes it . there were also a pair of shoes that i pick out but didnt pay for from ESRALI. had tog sufer some discomfort cause i knew yesterday i wasnt ready to go out yet ... didnt think i had enough energy to. when i came home was coughing like there is no tomorrow ... almost felt like i was going to die .... but i guess am ok now. Man I so miss going shopping for myself ...i will have to go soon for me for me :)

HAPPY 15TH BRITHDAY KHARENEE

LOVE YOU ALWAYS SIS
FOR WHO YOU ARE
WHAT YOU DO
EVERY SINGLE DAY

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE

MY DEAR LITTLE SIS

thats all for now i guess will update more frequent when i have more to say

tagged

The Rules:1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.
4. With the answers, give your own comments on how they relate to the questions.
5. Tag 5 people.

1) How are you feeling today?
tattoo by jordin sparks ... well its partially true i am feeling for that guy

2) Will you get far in life?
runaway love by Ludacris ft Mary J Blige ... hmmm i guess i want to help these people in this song

3) What's your best friend's theme song?.
Low Flo rida feat T- pain guess its a good song to dance with my good girl friends :)

4) What is the story of your life?
Taking chances by Celine Dion... my life is all about taking chances although i would have to learn to take some more than others.

5) What was high school like?
into the night by Santana feat Chad Kroeger ... it has a double meaning by the title itself i want to forget my high school days since i didnt really enjoy them but i did went through some interesting wild days

6) How can you get ahead with life?
wherever you will go by the Calling ... i guess my world does evolved around love for a guy i should learn to stop depending on that fact.

7) Whats the best thing about your friends?
please dont stop the music y Rihanna ... well we all love to dance and have a great time together whenever we gather ... thats why i love them !!

8) Describe your grandparents.
i wanna have your babies by natasha Beddingfield ... hmmm well guess you could say it doesnt really makes sense but yeah inherting my granparent's genes i am proud of.

9) How's your life going?
The contest by Stephen Sondheim in Sweeney Todd... life is a contest for me now since well i am competing with my fellow coursemates to enter UK unis and get into bar later on in life.

10) What will be played at my funeral?
Epiphany by Stephen Sondheim .. 0.o i dont want to have revenges on people when i die... dont want to hold grudges i wont be that bad

11) Will you have a happy life?
Stronger Women by Jewel ... i would since i am independent and enjoying life now . cause i do love myself

12) What do your friends really think of you?
white flag by dido .... they probably think i am too emotional with some things that i should calm down ... sometimes i overfeel things ....

13) Do people secretly lust after you?
chocolate by Kylie Minogue .. hmmm song says it all .. lust like chocolate ... XD

14) How can you make yourself happy?
poor thing by Stephen Sondheim ... well i love telling stories and reading which is what this song is aobut .. helping people in need too

15) What should you do with your life?
tonight by FM static ... take charge of it and remember all the memories and cherish them forever to apply them to my future.

16) Will you ever have children?
in the mystery by Hillsong ... i suppose it is a mystery when i will have my kids but i definitely want kids. its all in God's hands to determine the timing :)

17) What song would you strip to?
like a boy by Ciara .... hmm interesting wouldnt mind stirpping to it .... lol XP

18) What does your mom think of you?
You are everything by Matthew West ... weeeeeee haha perfect song to show love from one person to another ...

19) What is your deep, dark secret?
long time coming by Oliver James ... well yeas i have a long secret which dates 7 years .....

20) What is your enemy's theme song?
God, That's Good by Stephen Sondheim... guess this is a song to rub your enemey the right way for them to be suprise that you are so nice to them ... promote love but there will always be hidden motives.

21) Whats your personality like?
Sorry by Buck Cherry... sometimes i waste too much time dreaming and thinkig about people cause that is what i like to do ... a person who dwells a lot on emotions

22) What will be played at your wedding?
why can't i by Liz Phair ... guess my love for my guy or i hope him for me will never go away or fade ... i will never be able to get over him ... love ya eventhough you dont know it

tagged : Yuyi, Peony , Wong Kar mun , Carmen Khong, Divdas

law ball pics ... enjoy there will be more to come

Ryui BynnKuan Hoe & Kien


dear Amin ... was fussy about the pictures turn out though glad we took more :)

Daisy & Hui Yi
Ren Zheng
Hui Yi & Ren Zheng ( they make such a cute couple haha)
Pimping out ... JJ and shalini
Addy

lynn & carmen

us girls again

Miss Jaspal

Kai Chi

the girls of our table

from left : eujoe, pei xie, nithi, daisy, shaini, me , shamiso

from left: shalinie, shamiso, daisy, me, crystal, hui yi, kai chi, nithi

Carmen :)

patience

Just have a little patience

I'm still hurting from a love

I lost,

I'm feeling your frustration.

Any minute all the pain will stop.

The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong.

Believe me,

I'm trying to move on,

It's complicated but understand me.

Cause I need time.

Yeah Cause these scars run so deep,

It's been hard,

But I have to believe in me.

these are lyrics are only part of a song ( i excluded some lines which doesnt mean anything right now ) which is patience by take that ... these lines make all the sense to me right now . i mean well i am trying to be strong on the outside but in real fact i am breaking apart from what my feelings towards him are. i mean i am trying so hard to get over the fact that he is never going to realize how much he means to me and that well i dont think i am good enough for him either cause well ... he can get prettier girls than me . ... like one of my friends said the other day ..... i am just an ordinary girl ... there is nothing which is attractive about me ... the love i have for him is considered lost cause well he is too naive to realise and i am and have been keeping it to myself... apart from a few of those who knows my situation ... the closest ones to me...you know who you are..sigh ... if only you knew and reciprocrate the same feelings ... i feel more cracks forming in my heart just because of my longing for you ...

i need to pull myself together and not think so much about it ... thinking about it is the one that brings all the different kinds of scenario to my head and its unhealthy for me . from now on i should be more giving and less self scented .. i should do things for people without thinking of benefitting for myself.

the message in church spoke today as pastor said that we are all ugly ducklings on the outside but we have Christ's DNA in us and we should let that shine instead of our worldy beings . i so really need to be independent i mean depending on the fact that i need a guy in my life is just so wrong i mean i have admitted before that this is my weakness and that it really brings me down . i need to learn to depend on Christ more rather on worldly things especially a guy to give me security . this is a fear and i need to overcome it . if i dont its just going to cause me to go more downhill which isnt good from where i am standing now. i think to some point i have backslided in my faith in comparison to last year. i admit to my sin .

thats all i have to say for now til next entry.

descriptions

i should say that this weekend had its goods and bads.

well i got to know certain people better , shamiso and daisy included then there was crystal who sat at our table for law ball. she made all the fun and we did enjoy ourselves. us girls singing away like there is no tomorrow . i loved the table i sat on. the company was brilliant and the food was alright . but the entertainment was so so i suppose some were good and some were bad. nothing much else to write about that incident since there are somethings which i dont want to talk about .by the way what i have been writting about is actually my law ball which was held last saturday. (pics will be uploaded later on )

i am going through and emotional rollercoster that is going up and down. not helping the fact that my new heels thati recently bought have broke and gave way ( although they can be fixed )

i have been thinking so much about everything thatin mind its a huge muddle that i cannot remove its making me stress. the assignment loads arent helping either with my being in charge of my sat class and well teachers are gonna give me even more reponsibilities... i need chocolate i shall go indulge in some later. i need to calm down !!! i am so stress its making me go nuts ! i need my dose of talking to him on the phone too but then ill be busy later ... sigh what to do what to do . i think i am really in something with him but i dont even know what these feelings mean . Am i obsess ? in love? clingy ? holding onto security ?

argggh i just wanna to cry ....

FREEDOM !

its official ! i can drive ! i PASSED the first time i took the test .... i CANT believe it ! ..... Without bribery.

I am so happy that I feel that I am on top of the world .

You could say God was on my side today since i was praying really hard a lot today during th course of my exam. many people were failing on the right side of the hill so i said a little prayer to God which went something like this ... dear God let me have the left side of the hill . and by God's grace He gave it to me .Although I didnt make it on the first time up the hill ( on the hill you are allowed two tries) thankfully on the second time i made it . even the instructor standing behind the JPJ gave me a thumbs up.

then after i passed the inside school exercise , i saw people from the same driving school as me and asked how was the road. one of them told me if i got car number 18 and the instructor ... it would just be a smooth ride. and so another prayer blasted from my mouth saying Dear God please let me have him as mny examiner and let me have that car. And i receive . when i heard it was that guy and it was 18 i was practically leaping for joy . then the instructor began talking to me in the car he was so funny and humuorous . when i was suppose to pull the hand brakes up while stopping at the traffic light he said nvm i do for you ...will pass you. made my life easier even

i got a 19 / 20 for my road . am really satisfied

peace

how shall i describe today

moments just passed by as if they were blur. but at the same time there was so much emotions involved today in uni. i guess someone's PMS can truly affect your own moods. especially if it was your own lecturer. i had almost missed lunch today! talks for universities i dont mind. but Nooooo... whose stupid idea was to go into class and just write attendance having ended up to stay for an hour plus more to do more assignment and let the hunger burn inside me. i am not blaming the person in our class who told us to do that cause well uni mates should support each other . But man seriously i felt so faint .

Luckily thoughts of him did pull me through to lessen my anger and to just act calmly. spent time with a girl from course today ... pretty much reminded myself of her. the usual bubly self, hyper , flirtatious in a cute way ( although i have move pretty far from that now ) . more serious , matured far off from where i have come from. felt pretty satisfied that well i do have true friends around me in my course.

life just passes so fast ... i mean now look at all my peeps around they are all grown . it s like now i can say we are finally here where we wanted to be 6 years ago. those times when you said " i wish i was 18 " and now that i am here i feel so old ... the friends you saw that were so innocent now are like drinking, smoking ... now we cant act like kids anymore cause people will be judgemental....

sigh i guess thats life

dont know how to put this lightly

can i just be straightforward ...
i mean well in life especially now i would really love to just say it out loud... just how much i care for you with all my heart and soul.

but what prevents me :
well being an asian its not ethically right for girl to ask a guy out
my family doesnt entirely apporve of him ( both in religion and character )
we are at the point in time where relationships might dissolve at some point
I never want to lose him as a friend
My heart is really afriad to get rejected and hurt again
I want my next relationship to be the right one ( at least you could say its somewhat steady)
I think he doesn't feel the same way about me ... since he treats me like a very good friend
I want him to get a sure place in University first.
Want him to be happy ... even if it doesnt involves me
Puzzled on whether his side of the family would approve of me

i really do have something more for this guy ... there is no words to describe it . pretty sure that it isnt infactuation cause i am taking into account all his faults as well. i dont know what this is !! its just turning my every limb and organ upside down and not letting it be my usual self. the emo mode has been turned on again ... constantly but what you are doing to me . You certainly dont know whatyou are putting me through

sinking love

I shouldn't love you

but I want to

I just can't turn away

I shouldn't see you

but I can't move

I can't look away

I shouldn't love you

but I want to

I just can't turn away

I shouldn't see you

but I can't move

I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine

when I'm not'

Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me

And I can't help it

I won't sit around,

I can't let him win now

Thought you should know

I've tried my best to let go of you

But I don't want to

I just gotta say it all

Before I go

Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you

There's so much I can't say

Do you want me to hide the feelings

And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine

when I'm not'

Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me

And I'm wondering why I've waited so long

Looking back I realize

It was always there just never spoken

I'm waiting here...been waiting here

this song just spoke the words of my mouth that i wanted to express my current mood that i am feeling. i really do wanna stop loving this guy but it seems impossible . am controlling my actions especially when i am in front of him . feelings on the other hand are hard to tame. it actually is making me going out of my mind . i dont want to say apart from that i need him badly in my life. i am hopelessly lost in love . .. save me !!

a few good memories

Memories which i cherish with all my heart and soul

Me , Ally , Jessica ( the three lalas)

My darling Ally

Yuyi & Boon Aik ( bye Boon Aik .. we will miss you when you are in Japan.. dont forget my Japanese guy when you come back XD !!)

Close friends that will last forever

With my darling again

Sushi boy XD!! & My darling

Happy Memories

So cute !! Zen & Yun Hsi

Some Party Atmosphere

Candid

Non-Candid

My darling sis ... love ya always

sigh .. sushi ... why always ruin my pic. love ya anywayz

comparison of tears

raindrops are like teardrops
they fall when needed to
its like the heavens know
what i am going through

To love someone who does not love you ,
is like shaking a tree and making the dew drops fall

although these two short versus are contradictory of each other ... yet the both make sense to me. one signifies the huge downfall of rain to emphasize it further. but the small tears that fall off a tree after a rainfall cannot be compared to the amount of rain that fell before.
i mean can it happen ... having burried my feelings long ago for this guy , chucked it to the back of my mind and left it there undisturbed to be more exact . he doesnt know that he is reviving it and causing me even more pain.... the circumstances now are just not the right timing. recent breakups ... moving to another country for further studies. moving on from where we are is so awkward i dont know where to start from on how awkward it is. no matter how hard it is for me to forget about how i felt about you ... it still remains.. it never goes away. its a constant pleasant headache. yet my heart aches . its like it was being pierced and will never be healed completely anymore. why did you come into my life to make me this way ? i wish i could just forget you completely. wish you out of my life. let me move on to new things and new people but i cant seem to because of you . you have always been there for me for my hardships and joy . we share a lot of great moments together yet you do not know what i feel . theres no one to tell since there is a lot of difference between us . family background & beliefs.

so far nothing in the department of love has gone right for me ... i dont think my heart is capable of taking another rejection. i know we arent suppose to expect it to come and always keep our hopes high waitting for that special moment. but no matter how many times i go through it my heart just wont learnt this horrible lesson . it wants to go through all these hardfeelings in the book of love.

two- faced people

my thoughts about this topic have always been on my mind and has never left it . We all are two faced at one point of our lives. think back to that one incident that you had to act sweet towards a person eventhough you hated that person to your guts. well in order to maintain sufficient peace in the surroundings you are in . at least there is that hi -bye sayings between both parties. that huge anger and rage that roars in your body but somehow you have to bury into your soul and just let these feelings dissappear. i cant say that i detest these people because me myself is guilty of this act. being genuine and vunerable plus honest just makes you a victim even more .

i think people in general now only become friends with someone only if that can benefit off the person. if you dont have anything to offer they just let you go as if you were worth nothing. they dont even search further in to get to know you better. and if you are too good in something they also have feelings of jealousy erupt out and the daggers of detest will be aimed directly at you . especially since malaysia now is becoming such a place. this society is getting to be more negative and selfish. guess you could say its just like a buisness world now in comparison to a jungle. where the predator attacks prey. a corporate jungle more likely. we all have to be on our guard all the time afraid of being attacked and torn to pieces.

you would need your "herd " to keep you together to keep you sane. people whom you can trust that will not use things against you. things that you can let out where you cant let out anywhere else. you also need one which you are closest to.. doesnt matter the gender but just someone you are really comfortable with to be able to talk about anything. to some extend yes it better if you do have a girl if you are a girl and same applies to guys. but in special circumstances if you arent comfortable with a girl then yeah doing it with the opposite sex is alright to. but since there is that narrow mindedness of this society it would probably be another factor for them to strike you down.

thoughts hard to put in words

putting yourself out there in love is a really risky thing . there is a 50-50 % chance that you will get accepted or get rejected. life is like that ... we all go through it once or maybe more in our life. you have two extreme ends of the spectrum of emotion where one side of it weighs of sorrow and rejection and on the other scale is happiness and content & love. no such thing as in "betweeness" in this situation.

on the first scale end , the person would dwell in their sorrows and can't seem to get over the fact that he/she has been rejected. it wears the person in and out. and if there isnt a proper circle of friends around to support, the person will just crumble into the pits. darker side of this out come includes anger , confusion, self- pity, impatience, hopelessness, depprivition and "emoism "....

then there is the other side where the person would be on top of the world, so full of themselves, excited, ecstasy, love, care, joy ...start of a whole new chapter where you have to share your life with that other significant half. go on dates and more gift exchange. there will be those daydreams and sighs thinking about them. loads of message exhange via the wonderful invention of technologies.

guess which pat of the device i ended on after there recent blabbers on my blog ...

take a pick ......

signing off

assignment mountain

A mountain of assignment just dropped on me this month ... I Think I am still coping really am not sure . I seem to be reading my reading list for my assignment but it still wont make sense on what I am suppose to write . not only that the question still isnt making any sense at all either. .... . Frustrations . .... . Frustrations. absolutely no mood to start them and starting them seems like the hardest thing to do right now. sometimes i wish life can be easier. but if it were easier then it would be so boring and dull. so both ways is a loose loose situation.

but on the other hand tomorrow is the day that HE will be coming down ... sigh ... cant wait ... dont know why this feelings of mine towards him still stuck on. i am so excited i can barely breathe. dont know for sure whether we will be going out tomorrow though ... it depends on whether He contacts me tomorrow . its a half half probabilities.

there is also a few decisions hanging in my closest waitting to be solved. firstly on whether I should be going to England this September. I feel the anxiety and all since I would have to adjust again which really does not tickle my fancy of doing ever again( but I guess I have to in life ) . serioulsy dont like the idea of the cold weather there. thinking about it already gives me the creeps.

the other major decision is that if He asks me to be his gf ... should I say yes ?? with the factors of long distance relationship and not being able to see each other anytime soon. because of me being in England. Will our relationship last if we start? partially I have been surviving on the fact that I am living life to the fullest at this moment and that I still love him even though I see him once a year. but placing God first in my life has allow me to learn many things about relationships . looking for the goals that God wants me to do for Him first before looking for my significant other who has the same visions. also the fact that He loves me for who I am really drives me to love him back even more.

somehow or rather my mum seems to dissaprove of him since He is from the countryside and I am a city girl . she thinks that He will not be able to cope with the city life and will not be able to take care of me. it might also be too taxing on him.

well i guess thats all I have to write for now... til next post

far

why do you have to be so far away ,

far from reach

beyond my grasp

beyond us being together

the distance

the kinsman

few of the things

that keeps us apart

thinking about times

just make me sigh

wishing for those

to repeat again

and remain ....

after all these years

you still remain in my heart

i do wonder

will this pain ever depart ...

Valentines

Happy Valentines day everyone !!

overall i did like today and enjoyed it as well as the shock for recieving a boquet of ferra roche to be more exact . ( will up load pictures another day) . wont go into the the boirng details since there wasnt really anything to talk about the guy or the "date" we went out on . got torn into being with three guys today in UNI which was a pretty fun thing i suppose having my coursemates pairing me up with so many. it was pretty amusing.







am pretty glad that i am not committed or having to face an ugly break up for now in my phase of life . freedom just taste so sweet. ( eventhough my heart lies somewhere in someone's heart)




me and my boquet for valentines .